To the man I once knew

To the man I once knew,

There has been a memory that has been on my mind of late. Of us in New York. The blisteringly cold made me grumpy and the hotel room you had booked looked like it came right out of a murder movie. “I think there might be an axe murderer waiting for us in the toilet.”

One of the nights there, after you had tucked me in the cocoon you had made for me with two blankets, you lay beside me and looked at me. But I gave you the cold shoulder (both literally and physically) and snapped no before turning my back on you. I am sure you don’t remember this but I woke up feeling guilty and spent the rest of that day holding your hand extra tightly and making sure I made more of an effort to complain less about the cold.

This memory is on my mind because if I had the power to, I’d go back in time and said yes instead. The man you were with me, the man I once knew, the man I fell in love in – you deserved all of the yes-es to everything you wanted from me. And back then, you used to want nothing but me.

You dominated and played such a large and pivotal role of my early twenties. Without you, I’d never have found out how much I was capable of loving. My loyalty, faith, trust and determination to want to build a life with someone – you brought that out in me. You thought I was beautiful, capable and I became your strength and motivation. More importantly, I was yours. Without you, I’d also never have found out what a real heartbreak felt like and that too, was important. Because it was so painful, it has became the best possible reminder that in this life, I can say – I have loved with all of my heart, once.

Now that we have become strangers and I am 2 hours away from entering my late twenties, I’d like for you to know that despite how you chose to change and throw me and everything we had away, the man I once knew will always be my first love. You will always have that place and I am glad to be able to say this as much as I am glad to be able to say you won’t be my last love.

I’d also like for you to know that forgiving you is such a gargantuan, uphill and tedious task for my heart to fully accomplish. But I am on my way there. And it is a goal to work towards to slowly. To one day, wake up and realize I have completely forgiven you. It is an important goal that I will not stop working towards to because as I wait now, in quiet anticipation to meet another with whom I hope to fall in love as deeply, if not deeper with than you, I’d hate to still have you be a factor in what could be a more beautiful relationship with him.

It will definitely be a more beautiful relationship.
Broken hearts love more, better and stronger than whole ones.

So to the man I once knew, thank you for entering my life as abruptly as you left, for making memories I will keep for a lifetime and for loving me to the best of your ability when both I and you could recognize you.

I start my life at 25 now, without you.

Halloween 2013

Halloween is always a big event for me. I can be neck deep down in the dumps and I’d still be out on Halloween, dressed up. It isn’t Halloween if you aren’t in a costume!

I was pretty much sucked into work right after Halloween last year so I never got around to posting these and just remembered them.

Halloween 2012 was a quiet affair and I was um..killer panda, which was pretty much a costume that Reggie came with to Merry Men for me. Anyway, I really wanted to be Wonder Woman for Halloween 2013 but the damn costume was so short I could not walk without risking flashing everyone behind me.

SO I went as Supergirl and had a lot of fun! Even met Superman who was unfortunately, sprawled on the floor, partially covered in what I hoped was his own vomit.

Costume from:
(She has a showroom so you can actually go down and try the costume before buying it.)

Shit I Say

“Hi, does your cafe mocha have alcohol in it” - Me to the Muslim barista who was wearing a headscarf.

Pray tell, which river I can proceed to drown myself in now? I truly felt like a fucking idiot walking away from the counter. It was my blessing she could take a joke and handle an idiot like me.

And yea, toilets do in fact make the best place to take 20 pictures in.

No uniform Tuesday

In my first post, I wore ugly slippers. In my second post, I forgot to ask to have the picture taken without my ugly bag on the floor.


Oh and what kind of bags will never go out of style?

Specifically mine.

And that is my beautiful friend, Rafidah! :)

No uniform Saturday

Ever since I started working in the civil service and had to start wearing a uniform polo tee and *screams in horror* JEANS, I have been trying to make a little more effort to wear the rest of my closet out on weekends.

I am not always successful and often times end up reaching for a tank and denim shorts. So I thought I’d motivate myself to try harder by posting what I wear out during weekends here.

This is a green dress from Bali that my sister bought for me. Of course, I wish I had taken a back shot of the dress as well as made better footwear choices but I suppose I can improve on that for future posts!

And after much contemplation, I have decided to buy the cropped top from Topshop to wear with my brilliant red, circle skirt because…life is too short to not start embracing my body now. NOW.

Half filled

I started drafting this post on Sunday after coming back from a staycation at the Westin that in my opinion was one champagne bottle away from becoming the Hangover Part 4.

It was pretty much one of those weeks where I had felt incredibly empty. I really was not ready emotionally and mentally for such a taxing and unexpected week and had really hoped for the high I was getting from the alcohol I was consuming to not wear off…ever. I, essentially, over the span of 5 days, made the decision to stop dating R. Everything that I thought I could have had with him, I realised was not for me.

Why? Because I believe in my bones that love needs to mad, passionate and extraordinary. It’s a waste of time otherwise. And chemistry is not a mathematical equation I can manipulate to be in my favour. R is and will always be a great man in my books. I simply, could not fall into mad, passionate, extraordinary love with him because our chemistry together was barely a murmur in my ear.

Then yesterday, I went to do something I’d never thought I do. For the sake of my own privacy, I am not going to divulge what exactly it is I did but the affirmation I received has been overwhelming. I have not woken up to feel so much of clarity and confidence in what feels like an eternity.

I am going to be so amazingly okay and happy. And contrary to what I had written here, I am now, excited for 25.

I am no longer empty. I am half filled.