To the man I once knew,
There has been a memory that has been on my mind of late. Of us in New York. The blisteringly cold made me grumpy and the hotel room you had booked looked like it came right out of a murder movie. “I think there might be an axe murderer waiting for us in the toilet.”
One of the nights there, after you had tucked me in the cocoon you had made for me with two blankets, you lay beside me and looked at me. But I gave you the cold shoulder (both literally and physically) and snapped no before turning my back on you. I am sure you don’t remember this but I woke up feeling guilty and spent the rest of that day holding your hand extra tightly and making sure I made more of an effort to complain less about the cold.
This memory is on my mind because if I had the power to, I’d go back in time and said yes instead. The man you were with me, the man I once knew, the man I fell in love in – you deserved all of the yes-es to everything you wanted from me. And back then, you used to want nothing but me.
You dominated and played such a large and pivotal role of my early twenties. Without you, I’d never have found out how much I was capable of loving. My loyalty, faith, trust and determination to want to build a life with someone – you brought that out in me. You thought I was beautiful, capable and I became your strength and motivation. More importantly, I was yours. Without you, I’d also never have found out what a real heartbreak felt like and that too, was important. Because it was so painful, it has became the best possible reminder that in this life, I can say – I have loved with all of my heart, once.
Now that we have become strangers and I am 2 hours away from entering my late twenties, I’d like for you to know that despite how you chose to change and throw me and everything we had away, the man I once knew will always be my first love. You will always have that place and I am glad to be able to say this as much as I am glad to be able to say you won’t be my last love.
I’d also like for you to know that forgiving you is such a gargantuan, uphill and tedious task for my heart to fully accomplish. But I am on my way there. And it is a goal to work towards to slowly. To one day, wake up and realize I have completely forgiven you. It is an important goal that I will not stop working towards to because as I wait now, in quiet anticipation to meet another with whom I hope to fall in love as deeply, if not deeper with than you, I’d hate to still have you be a factor in what could be a more beautiful relationship with him.
It will definitely be a more beautiful relationship.
Broken hearts love more, better and stronger than whole ones.
So to the man I once knew, thank you for entering my life as abruptly as you left, for making memories I will keep for a lifetime and for loving me to the best of your ability when both I and you could recognize you.
I start my life at 25 now, without you.